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Mar. 14th, 2011 | 07:50 am

I haven't written here in a long time.

Today though has pushed me into a space where I need to vent. To do something, to push it out into writing.

I've had a sore throat since Friday, it was niggling but I could deal with it.

On Saturday it upgraded to a weariness as every time I sallow there was some pain. You dread it, swallow and be fine...

Sunday has taken it to a brand new level of suffering by swinging in a cough.
I never realised how much a throat did until it hurt every time it went through the motions of doing something.

It is now Monday... I have gotten very little sleep. I have taken to swallowing as little as possible end have dreadful amount of whole body motions associated with swallowing.

My current state of utter rage is peripherally related to this.

Being told not to play up my little circus because of how much swallowing hurts is the main point...
This brings rage and furry untold, I boil percolate and actually punched a wall at that suggestion.
Yes thank you I'm volatile. I don't enjoy it, it's not the most wonderful thing in the world. But when your choices are go into a screaming rage and frenzy, attack the other person, or aim at the wall...

I'm feeling incredibly impotent, infuriated, and enraged.

To be demeaned and belittled, when trying to apologise and explain to be cut off... I cannot explain what it felt like. I Finaly managed to take a painkiller, and now I know how people can get addicted to these things.
It i now back to the Saturday sore throat instead of the mad pain.

When in the lowest moment of feelings, to be denied and devalued by loved ones, for them to berate and give you "I told you so" and "You should have listened" when you did follow their recommendations and all they can think is that you didn't.

Try and mend a bridge and be told your behavior is unacceptable... when instead of lashing out at them you swear, and you get shot. "Oh apparently you're well enough to shout."

Being unable to get away from pain is pure torture.
No matter what you do, take or perform, where you are, what you are doing, excersising, sleeping, reading, dreading that moment before swallowing and feeling that pain each time. I'm putting it right up into torture.
Simply because it is pain without escape which is what torture is, relentless agonising pain... Except there is no one i can break down to... No one to confess to to make it stop...

And when on the border of tears being told not to play up "my little circus"

Yes it makes me rage like a caged beast... Commenting about how much it would cost to fix the wall if I had damaged it after I took a swing at it...

All in all. I feel like a freak, an outsider... I feel like no one wants me around, that I don't contribute, that nothing happens. I feel like they don't want me anymore, I just want to play right into that part from pure spite.

I want to scream and shout, "There you are! I am a perfect horrendous shit. Be right, Enjoy your victory, you are completely in correct in that I am unbearable, you can leave with no guilt. Begone."

P.S. I can't tell if the fact i'm in less pain was from Adrenalin or painkiller because of how soon after taking it that I was suddenly in less pain but very much boiling with fury.

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Comments {3}

Lupin Chevalier

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from: shivwuffy
date: Mar. 14th, 2011 01:49 am (UTC)
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Oh dear god... Painkillers yay!

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from: leyozeta
date: Apr. 9th, 2011 08:43 pm (UTC)
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For some reason, I can’t see all of this content, stuff keeps hiding? Are you taking advantage of java?

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from: yojowrit
date: Apr. 14th, 2011 09:22 pm (UTC)
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Sorry for my bad english. Thank you so much for your good post. Your post helped me in my college assignment, If you can provide me more details please email me.

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